


You've Made My Life a Living Hell (Everyone Good is Here)

by kikitheslayer



Category: Superstore (TV)
Genre: ALSO you know how one of the conceits of the fake dating genre is a ridiculous premise, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Getting Together, Valentine's Day, lets just say ive got you covered
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-01
Updated: 2017-04-01
Packaged: 2018-10-13 17:53:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10518840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kikitheslayer/pseuds/kikitheslayer
Summary: “Okay, I feel like we got sidetracked from the main weird part of this conversation. Why on Earth do you need a fake boyfriend to go bird watching?"





	

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is technically canon divergent because of the timeline, but we don't have to talk about that.
> 
> If you are someone who loves the birds of St. Louis, then I'm sorry to have misrepresented your passion to this degree. Absolutely no part of the bird watching in this fic is accurate.

“I need you to be my boyfriend.”

“What?” Garrett nearly choked as he turned to face Dina, covering the intercom mic with a hand as though someone might be listening.

Dina rolled her eyes. “Oh, grow up. Not really.” Her voice turned brisk and serious. “No, I just need you to come with me to my birding group this Tuesday and pretend we’re dating. It’s pretty basic subterfuge, if you’re up for it.”

“Hold on, back up,” he said. “You have a birding group?”

She shook her head. “How does that possibly surprise you?”

Garrett shrugged. “I mean, it doesn’t, I guess. I just figured you were more into, you know, cockatoos and stuff. House birds.”

Dina leaned across the counter. “All birds are beautiful. The fact that some of them do not thrive in a constricted environment does not mean I don’t want to appreciate their beauty.”

“Anyone ever told you that you get like a creepy, serial killer look in your eye when you talk about birds?”

“I have been told that, yes.”

Garrett held up a hand in a calming gesture. “Okay, I feel like we got sidetracked from the main weird part of this conversation. Why on Earth do you need a fake boyfriend to go bird watching? I mean, putting aside that that group has to be like all virgins --”

Dina straightened and cleared her throat, inspecting her hand as she dragged it along the counter. “I’m currently locked in a power struggle with another birder, Kelsey. She’s the worst. Anyway, Tuesday is Valentine’s Day, and it’s specifically,” she made a disgusted face and held up air quotes, “‘Lovebirds Birding.’ And if I’m not there, Kelsey and her _stupid_ wife are definitely going to take it as a chance to usurp control of the group out from under me.”

Garrett raised an eyebrow. “Uh huh.” He didn’t look convinced. “And this has nothing to do with me and the fact that I owe one in the orgasm tally.”

She shook her head. “No. You could be…” She shook her head and looked around the store. “You could be a bottle of laundry detergent if I thought Kelsey would buy that as my boyfriend. I’d even ask Jonah if I didn’t think his whole… Jonah-ness would weaken my authority with the group.”

Garrett leaned forward. “Yeah, see, but as completely platonic workplace associates, I don’t really see why I should give up my Valentine’s Day afternoon to go birding with you. Cause that just sounds like Hell.”

“We can have sex after and I’ll cover your shift Friday.”

“Deal.”

\--

Dina picked Garrett up at his apartment soon after he’d gotten home from the morning shift. She honked her horn outside his building until he came outside to meet her.

“You could just text me like a normal person,” he said. “I shouldn’t have to hear basically a car alarm and go, ‘Oh, that’s Dina.’”

“Well, you should already have been ready to go. I need to prep you on what to say.”

“Oh,” he said, “by the way, am I dressed okay? I don’t know what birders wear.”

Dina spared him a sideways glance. “You look fine. I’ve got an extra pair of binoculars in the back you can borrow.”

“Thanks.” He looked over at her. “You look pretty.”

“Weird thing to say to say, but thanks, I guess.”

Garrett focused back on the road and rolled his eyes. “Just trying to get into character,” he sighed. It was just conversation. Dina did look pretty, anyway, her hair down but tucked under a baseball cap. Any idiot could have seen that.

“So,” said Dina, “what do you know about birds?”

Garrett’s brow furrowed. “Nothing? I mean, I know your birds. I know Pikachu’s weirdly angry all the time. Does that help you?”

“Pikachu comes from a violent home, it’s not her fault.”

“Pikachu needs to take responsibility for her own actions.”

Dina shook her head. “Look. No respectable member of my birding group would ever go out with somebody who didn’t know anything about birds, so just follow my lead and try not to make me look bad.”

Garrett shrugged. “Well, I’ll try, but no guarantees.”

Dina sighed. “God, this is gonna be a massacre.”

\--

They pulled up into a gravel parking lot in a woody area. “Oh, look,” said Dina, grinning. “You can see the gang from here.”

Garrett peered out the window. “ _That’s_ your birding group? I’ve seen fewer old people in an AARP commercial.” He turned to her. “Are you locked in a self-described “Machiavellian power struggle” with an octogenarian? Cause at a certain point you should not be trying to take away little old ladies’ bird watching groups.”

Dina waved a hand, still looking out the window. “Don’t worry, Kelsey’s one of the young ones. It’s what makes this whole thing so hard. I clearly have more natural charisma but…” She shook her head. “What can I say? The elderly are weak and easily lead. Like sheep.”

“You’re so cute when you act like a crazy person.”

Dina opened the door and climbed out, fixing him with a pointed glare. “Shut it, sweetheart.”

\--

Dina waved to the group as they approached. She was grinning, almost bouncing on her feet. “Hello, team!” she said. “Happy Valentine’s Day. Have you --”

A dark-haired woman with a camera around her neck stepped forward. “Dina.”

Dina’s smile melted, replaced with a steely gaze. She rested her hands on her hips. “Kelsey.” She turned her head to the blonde woman who had stepped up next to Kelsey. “Leah.”

Kelsey twisted her mouth into a smile. “I’m so glad you’re here. I didn’t think you’d be able to make it.”

Dina crossed her arms. “Well, I wasn’t sure about my _boyfriend_ Garrett’s shift schedule.”

“Hey,” offered Garrett slowly, looking incredulously between them.

If Kelsey was surprised, she didn’t show it. She turned her attention to the whole group. “Ready to go?”

Dina raised her voice louder than Kelsey’s. “Alright people! We’re going to start!”

“Yeah!” yelled Kelsey. “That’s what I said!”

She and Kelsey exchanged a short glare. Finally, Kelsey sniffed and turned away, grabbing Leah’s hand.

“I hate her so much,” whispered Dina as they watched them walk away.

\--

They followed a simple dirt trail, stopping often to squint at birds through their binoculars and allow the slower members of their group to catch up.

After some time, they approached a fork in the trail. “What do you guys think?” asked Dina. “Turn right?”

“No,” said Kelsey, nodding, “left, I think.”

“Left sounds good to me!” piped up Leah.

Dina cleared her throat, looking at Garrett.

“Well, personally,” he said, “I think that while both sides have their merits, the right side seems objectively…” He paused. “...Bird-ier.”

“Thank you, Garrett,” said Dina. “I agree. The left path looks dead.”

Kelsey sighed, turning to one of the old ladies. “Margot, what do you think?”

“Well -- whatever you think, dearie.”

Kelsey turned to Dina. “You heard her. Let’s go left.”

“That is a dirty trick, Margot hasn’t made a decision for herself since 1976.”

Kelsey rolled her eyes. “Let’s just go, okay?” She began walking to the left and the rest of the group followed after.

\--

Margot’s date was an older man in a fly fishing hat. His name was Leonard. “So,” he asked Dina, “You haven’t mentioned you were seeing Garrett before. How did you two meet?”

“Work,” answered Dina tersely.

Garrett gave her a look and she sighed.

She continued, “Last Black Friday went to some pretty dark places in terms of store functionality. Even I, the well-greased cog that keeps Cloud 9 running couldn’t fix it on my own. But Garrett got the store running again, and it was really…” She grimaced, looking for the right word. “...Nice.”

“That’s very sweet,” said Esther.

Dina smiled, emboldened. “Yeah. Especially since usually he’s lazy as shit.” She laughed. “I mean, he’s competent, but he is just the slacker--” 

“Okay,” said Garrett, eyeing her grinning face with a sidelong glance. “Damn. I love you, too?”

Dina cleared her throat. “He’s fine.”

\--

They were walking calmly down the path when Fanny suddenly stopped, shushing the group. “Look!” she whispered, pointing up into a tree.

Dina looked up into the branches with her binoculars. “Well, I’ll be damned,” she muttered. “Look at that beautiful coloration. That is a tufted titmouse if I ever saw one.”

She waved a hand at Garrett without looking down, silencing his comment.

“I don’t think so,” said Kelsey, in the same quiet, almost reverent tone. “I’d have to say that’s a regular eurasian blue tit.”

Dina let her binoculars fall around her neck suddenly, taking a step closer to her. “Well, maybe you need to get your eyes checked.”

Kelsey dropped her binoculars, as well. “I didn’t know you were an expert at classification.”

“Better than you,” shot back Dina. “You wouldn’t know a red-bellied woodpecker from a yellow-bellied sapsucker.”

Kelsey tilted her head. “Well, you couldn’t identify a black-capped chickadee.”

“You take that back!”

\--

As the shouting match began, Leah made her way slowly around the crowd and to Garrett’s side. “What’s the chance this gets physical?” she asked in a low voice.

He shrugged. “I’d say about ten to one.”

She nodded at the woods. “Want to get out of here?”

“That seems like a great plan.”

They left the path, heading a short distance away from the group. “So,” asked Garrett, “how’d you and Kelsey meet?”

“This group,” she said. She was focused down at her shoes and the tracks they were making in the dirt. “I just wanted to see some birds. I had no idea what I’d be getting into.”

“Yeah,” agreed Garrett, “it is crazy tense in there!”

Leah laughed. “Kelsey’s usually really chill,” she said. “It’s just… birding. It makes people weird.”

“Well, I would say the same, but Dina is pretty much always like this.”

Leah offered him a small smile. “You two are sweet together. I mean, I didn’t know you were dating, but I probably should have. Dina talks about you all the time.”

Garrett stopped. “Really? What does she… say about me?”

Leah shrugged. “Um, I don’t know. You’re in all her work stories, when she’s not talking about how much she wants to strangle Glenn, whoever that is. It’s obvious she thinks you’re cool. And funny and cute.”

Garrett nodded slowly “Good to know, good to know.” After a moment, he said, “Want to head back?”

Leah nodded. “Yeah, I should probably say something.” She paused. “Um, I like Dina but --”

“No,” said Garrett, “look, I get it. Stand by your woman.”

“Thanks.”

\--

Luckily, it looked like no punches had been thrown by the time they got back, though Dina’s vest and binoculars now lay in a pile on the ground next to her.

“Hey, honey?” said Leah, making a B line toward Kelsey.

Kelsey looked momentarily away from Dina, whom she seemed to be circling around as though in a boxing ring. “Yeah, babe?”

“Listen,” said Leah, “I think you should just let this one go, you know? Be the bigger person.”

Kelsey took a deep breath, as though about to say something, then released it, putting on a sheepish smile. She turned to Dina. “Sorry,” she said crisply. “I may have gotten a little carried away.” Leah shot her another look, and Kelsey sighed again. She extended a hand. “Friends?”

Dina looked at her hand with mild disgust before quickly shaking it. She dropped it immediately. “Fine.” 

Dina swallowed, looking around the path. “I have to --” she started, her voice a little strange. “I’ll catch up in a second.” Without another word, she tucked her head down and disappeared, power-walking, into the woods.

“I should…” Garrett didn’t finish his sentence as he went after her.

\--

“Dina!” Garrett yelled, once they had gotten a decent length away from the trail. “What’s going on?”

“I’m fine,” said Dina. Her voice sounded cracked. She kept her back turned to Garrett but slowed, finally stopping at a large stump and taking a seat, slumping and looking at the ground miserably.

Garrett rolled up next to her. “Is it cause Leah called Kelsey the bigger person? Cause --”

“It’s not stupid Kelsey,” said Dina, looking at the ground. “Or stupid Leah. I just --” She looked a little like she was going to punch something. Garrett decided that was a good thing, as it was fairly default Dina behavior. “I was here first. This was my stupid group before Kelsey or Leah showed up. And they may have gotten to be in love and married and happy and whatever other gross thing, but I just thought -- They don’t get to have this group. This is mine.”

Garrett hesitated before lightly patting her shoulder. “Dina,” he said, “look at me. It’s Valentine’s Day. Do you know how easy it is to get laid on Valentine’s Day? The answer is incredibly. But instead, I’m here. I’m _bird watching_ with a group of old people. But I’m here because you asked me to be. So this is not going to be worth it unless I can make you feel better. And if the thing that is going to make you feel better is beating that very nice couple at bird watching, then we are going to beat that very nice couple at bird watching!”

Dina smiled. “Thanks. But you don’t have to stay. If this is, you know…” She waved a hand. “...Weird, then…”

Garrett shook his head. “No way. It is on now. Look, aside from the fact that I think this is the closest I’ve ever come to living in a prestige drama, I don’t know what it is, but I think I might actually be getting invested in this. I don’t know if it’s that Kelsey shot down my road suggestion, or… said that thing about chickadees, or if I’m just a really good fake boyfriend, but I genuinely want to beat this woman.”

Dina nodded at him sagely. “Birding is a fierce political wasteland. Everybody picks a side eventually.”

\--

They raced to meet back up with the group, who were thankfully stopped around a clearing.

Garrett caught Leah’s eye as they approached and mouthed, “Sorry.”

She just shrugged and winked.

Garrett turned his attention to the rest of the group. “Hey, Kelsey! I’ve got a bone to pick with you.”

“Uh, yeah?” she asked. “What is it?”

“Oh,” he said. He lowered his voice to a normal volume and level of anger. “Uh, you’ve been taking photos since we got here, right?”

She nodded. “Pretty much.”

“Right, well, you’ve been taking photos with the flash on. Not only is that completely unnecessary in this sunny weather, but there are actual Audubon regulations against it. You could blind one of these birds.”

Kelsey’s brow furrowed. “My flash is off. And I don’t think that last part is true.”

“Right,” he said. “I don’t think it’s true either. Though, to be fair, I don’t know anything about Audubon rules and regulations. Or if that’s a thing that exists. What I _do_ know is how to start a chant really easily.” He began pounding his fist. “Turn off your flash! Turn off your flash!”

“Really?” asked Kelsey.

“Yeah,” agreed Dina, “I mean, this is just idiotic.”

Still, it didn’t take long before most of the seniors had joined in, chanting “Turn off your flash!” over and over again.

After a few moments, he gestured with his hands. “You guys can stop now.” The noise slowly wound down. He took a breath and continued his half-yelled speech. “Further, I think that if there does have to be a power struggle -- which, sidenote, _so_ weird guys -- then Dina should win.” He spread his arms. “Cause I think Dina’s great. And she knows a lot about birds.”

He barely had time to smile triumphantly before Dina had leaned down and kissed him.

Even Kelsey had to smile. “Ready to go on?” she asked, when Dina had straightened.

“Yeah,” Dina agreed. “Let’s go.”

It was as a good as a real victory.

\--

“Thanks for that,” said Dina, as they made their way back to the car. “I mean it. That was really cool of you.”

“Thanks. I meant it. You’re still covering my shift Friday, though.”

“Yeah, I know.” She paused. “So, you want to go have sex or…”

“Uh, I don’t know,” he said, looking out at the light pink sky, the sun just setting behind the hills. “I mean, it is still technically Valentine’s Day for, like, six hours. We could see a movie or something.”

She nodded. “Sure. And then have sex after.”

He raised an eyebrow. “A movie and sex? Sounds almost like a date.”

She shrugged. “Well, I still haven’t seen Rogue One, so I’d say that’s a risk I’m willing to take.”

\--

It was dark outside by the time the movie let out, and the diner near the theater was almost deserted. 

“You know,” said Dina, pointing with a french fry, “I think you’re the best fake boyfriend I’ve ever had. And I’ve had more than you would think.”

Garrett took a bite of his burger. “Well, my life is less interesting than yours, so I’d say you’re definitely the best fake girlfriend I’ve ever had.”

She smirked. “If you like that, you should see my real girlfriend work. I mean, I kick ass.”

“Hmm,” he said, apparently deep in thought. “I’m not sure I believe you. You might have to prove it.”

She smiled and looked down at the table. “I’ll see what I can do.”

**Author's Note:**

> Title from a comic by A Softer World. Coda: _And the music's amazing._


End file.
